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12:54pm 02/12/2007
so i've decided that i should start writing in this thing again...sometimes it helps just to write things down in order to think through them clearly because i can write how i feel, walk away, and a few days later read it again cold and objectively and see how i react since in the spur of the moment i tend to act off of emotions and not reason (darn pisces-ness water sign, haha)....and if no one is really on here anymore to read it, no big deal, this time i write for me :)

....really right now there's nothing major going on in my life....school is ok but could be better if i could ever get myself to sit down, stop the ADD, and actually study....with my comps coming up in the spring and boards in the summer knowing me i should probably start studying after i get this semester's finals out of the way....hopefully i can get that to work, haha....

....the friends and roommates situation right now is awesome as it usually is....sometimes i swear that i have the best friends in the entire world....there are always there for me, always supportive, and can always make me laugh which is really important to me...i love laughing and just laughing and being with friends always brings me up, i'm such a social person....when i'm not around people and don't get to be social for a while, i start to clam up and get depressed-ish and such and i start to wonder if that's part of my pisces personality...my mom says that pisces are people who tend to almost mimic the people they are around...they feed off of the emotions and feelings of others to feel out the situation...kinda like a social chameleon...and they, not change who they are, but change how they act depending on who they are around...and i see that in myself so much....maybe because i am like a chameleon i don't know how to act or how to be when it's just me and i have no one to feel out or feed off of?? who knows....

for now i have to leave but i intend to come back and finish this later :)
mood: happyhappy
    2 x's & o's - leave some lovin' - - Link
07:33pm 30/04/2007
so i was curious and went online and found some relatively in depth ADD screening tests (i can NOT pay attention in class and day dream waaay too much so i was curious) and all 3 screening tests told me the same thing: have a very high probability of having Inattentive Type ADD....haha, could explain some stuff

and then my mom and i have always had discussions about how we think we are mildly dyslexic because of things we say or do....while looking at ADD tests i came across this dyslexia website....here's what fits me:

*Misspell many words—even though they often use only very simple one-syllable words that they are "sure" they know how to spell

*Left-Right confusion:
-Even adults have to use whatever tricks their mother or teacher taught them to tell left from right. It never becomes rapid and automatic.
-A common saying in household with dyslexic people is, "It's on the left. The other left."
-That's why they are b-d confused. One points to the left and one points to the right.

*In school, this leads to difficulty learning history facts: dates, names, and places. Dyslexic students do well in history classes that emphasize why some event happened, and the consequences of that event, rather than rote memorization of dates and names.

*People with dyslexia have an extremely difficult time organizing their belongings. They tend to pile things rather than to organize them and put them away. It is almost as though if they can't see item (if it is behind a door or in a drawer), they will forget where it is.

*People with dyslexia are often gifted in math. Their three-dimensional visualization skills help them "see" math concepts more quickly and clearly than non-dyslexic people however the following math tasks are difficult: Memorizing addition and subtraction facts, Memorizing multiplication tables, Reading word problems.

*I didn't see a difference when I first read these: form vs. from, trial vs. trail, lots vs. lost, and girl vs. grill....

*With enormous effort, they may be able to "memorize" Monday's spelling list long enough to pass Friday's spelling test, but they can't spell those very same words two hours later when writing those words in sentences.

*Misspells even when copying something from the board or from a book.

*Written work shows signs of spelling uncertainty--numerous erasures, cross outs, etc.

Y*oung children will often put their head down on the desk to watch the tip of the pencil as they write.

*(I used to have this one as a kid, but I've learned to correct it since): Unusual pencil grip, often with the thumb on top of the fingers (a "fist grip")

*The pencil is gripped so tightly that the child's hand cramps. The child will frequently put the pencil down and shake out his/her hand.

by the way, i'm not saying i actually have ADD or mild dyslexia or i should be put on medications or anything...i just find it interesting how many symptoms i seem to correlate with, haha....
mood: amusedamused
    leave some lovin' - - Link
Love Horoscope for 2007  
04:45am 03/01/2007
Emotional risks aren't something you want to take, and you may feel insecure about sharing your love with anyone else. As a result, you may feel vulnerable and raw. This year, learn how to overcome fears and trust your higher self to find the perfect relationship for you. In the springtime, you may be ready for a new relationship. You will be going through a lot of positive changes regarding your feelings this year, and it will make an enormous difference in your life.

hmmm....sounds promising, haha :)
location: my sofa
mood: cheerfulcheerful
tunes: the background music in an episode of cold case
    leave some lovin' - - Link
(no subject)  
01:42am 10/11/2006
i'm back to the "i'm confused about life and i don't know which way is up" feeling again...haha, isn't it funny how boys can sometimes do that to ya?

mood: confusedconfused
    leave some lovin' - - Link
why can't life come with an instuction manual?  
04:51pm 12/10/2006
sometimes i wish my mind, my heart, and my gut intuition could all come to the same decision at the same time instead of playing these games with me...haha...

i feel like i'm kinda at a place right now where i like being single...so far this semester i've had some crushes, but i've still felt like i've wanted to stay single...is that weird? i guess i kinda feel like i like the attention, but i'm busy enough without trying to start up a relationship...i dunno...i kinda change when i'm in a relationship...i start paying more attention to the relationship and less time on things like schoolwork and such...and right now, my grades and schoolwork are really important to me...so i'm very comfortable with the whole being single thing even though for the past 2 years i have wanted a relationship, haha...normally, this whole single thing would be fine...but there is a boy, and my heart/emotions says "let's see where it goes" while my intuition says "you don't want a relationship right now" while my head is trying to take the rational route saying "but he's a good guy and would be good for you and wouldn't hurt you" which all sounds good saying 2 out of 3 agree, but i can't do anything if my intuition doesn't agree...if i disobey it then everything just feels wrong and then everything in the universe gets out of wack and bad things happen to me...haha...i dunno...i am all kinda of confused...i guess for now i'll just let it go and see what happens...

mood: confusedconfused
    1 x's & o's - leave some lovin' - - Link
today's horoscope  
08:18pm 24/09/2006
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
You're swinging like a pendulum on a broken clock. One minute things couldn't be greater with your love life, the other you're in the pits of despair. Even out! The truth is at neither one extreme nor the other.

    2 x's & o's - leave some lovin' - - Link
ode to the nice girl  
02:54pm 20/09/2006
i know we've all read this before, but i'm, always looking for it and losing it, so i'm posting it here:

Ode to the Nice Girls
This rant was written because a nice girl finally snapped.

I've read the tribute to the nice guys; this is my response.

This is my tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong. This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times. This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention. This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word. This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the trite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it.

This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude comments and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced. This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed. This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt. This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.

This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with. This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone. This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup. This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after failing to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear. This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted. This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.

This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.

So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race.

So maybe it won't last forever. Maybe some of those guys in that race will turn in their running shoes and make their way to the concession stand where we're waiting; however, until that happens, we still have each other, that silly race to watch, and all the chocolate we can eat (because what's a concession stand at a race without some chocolate?)

Sometimes the nice girl gets sick of waiting
    leave some lovin' - - Link
you know you're a band dork if...  
07:20pm 12/09/2006
haha, i found this on some website and edited it so it's only the ones that apply to me :p (only proving my band dorkiness even more, haha)

you know you’re a band dork if...
1. you can't walk and chew bubble gum, but you can march a perfect 8 per 5 with your eyes closed
2. you hear music and begin to mark time
3. you don't take double tonguing as a dirty joke
4. you actually remember "this one time, at band camp..."
5. you're in step with the people in front of you
6. you think band camp is fun
7. you point out key changes and dynamics when listening to the radio
8. all your friends are in band
9 you respond to "band geek/dork"
10. someone blows a whistle and your head automatically snaps up
11. every guy you're interested in is in band (is there something wrong with that? haha)
12. all of your conversations eventually get around to the subject of band
13. ...unless you started them, because then they're already about band
14. you think it's funny to write on a trumpet with a dry erase marker (dude, i want to try that!)
15. making a line is your biggest accomplishment of the day
16. everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want to kill the other band
17. you’ve been to your director’s house
18. you own a band shirt
19. you can put on a uniform in under ten minutes
20. you decide that you want to learn every single band instrument before you graduate
21. you like being in places with egotistical trumpet players (TFL!!)
22. you no longer think it's weird to be referred to as a number on a drill sheet
23. you can automatically recite the first 7 letters of the alphabet
24. ...and you can't remember the other 19
25. you roll-step so you don't spill your lunch (haha, yeah, i have actually done this one before)
26. you talk more about band than anything else
27. ...accidentally
28. you've ever started a sentence with, "There was this one time at band camp..."
29. ...without realizing it
30. you have an involuntary foot tapping to any music
31. you know more people in band than in your graduating class (or in my major)
32. you've ever been hysteric over a piece of music
33. you look forward to rehearsal
34. ...and didn't realize this was weird
35. you start to refer to football season as marching season
36. ...you always have
37. you can hum, play, and sing your parts (and the parts of other sections too...)
38. you think marching in the rain is fun
39. you ran for band staff
40. you're on band staff
41. your favorite piece is something you played in band
42. you don't try to hide the fact that you're in band
43. you can't wait for school to start because you want to go to band
44. you've ever liked someone purely because of their talent as a musician (heck yeah! talent = hottness!!)
45. you met more than three of your closest friends at band camp
46. you've ever practiced three or more hours non-stop
47. when your calendar has more band stuff on it than your whole family does for their entire lives
48. even the people at band camp tell you you're too much of a band dork
49. you get all the jokes on this list
50. ...and aren't offended by them.

haha...so how many of these apply to anyone else reading this? lol
mood: amusedamused
    1 x's & o's - leave some lovin' - - Link
(no subject)  
08:49pm 30/08/2006
well, i haven't updated in a really long time, have i? well, here goes...

i have been on an amazingly high self-esteem/self-confidence kick lately...and it's FABULOUS!!! lol...for the first time in my life, i really don't care AT ALL what others think of me...lol, i break out into my own little dance party at any given time and i start rocking it out to my ipod while waiting for the bus...and i don't even care who sees it...i used to not IM (or text or call) people i didn't really know all that well for fear that they would think i was, like, overzealous or stalkerish (see how self-conscious i am?), but i've been IMing all sorts of people lately which has actully actually proved to be a good thing and i've become much better friends with a few of them because of it...

in other news, i have a small crush...but he has a crush on someone else...what else is new? isn't it always like that? lol...

i am so glad to be back at school...lots more friends and things to do and parties to go to, etc....band camp was so much fun...a lot of work with little sleep, but fun none the less...the flute section is much more unified this year which is AMAZING!! everyone pretty much gets along instead of arguing...and then we had a flute party/BBQ thing at katie vodra's which was fun although i found it funny because the rookies were like "she offered us beer...doesn't she know we're only 18?"...i was like, "dude, it's college...if you want it, take it, but no one's forcing you to drink it"...and then we made t-shirts reading FLUTES LOVE THE TRUMPET SECTION and now there is all kinda of trumpet/flute love...lol...

then the next night we had the staff BBQ at sarv's...i think we have such an amazing staff this year...everyone works together so well and i like everyone...we spent a good part of the night around sarv's piano...josh and kevin played (boys who can play piano/guitar = hottness...lol...talent is hott...and i am so jealous of that fact that they can play...i wish i could) and we were all singing and it just reminded me of how much i wish i had declared music ed as my major freshman year...i love music/music ed majors...

after that was the "trumpet olympics"...although it wasn't so much of olympics as it was everyone running around playing drinking games...and again i say, why is it that i only seem to get hit on by guys when they are drunk? i sometimes wish guys would flirt with me and whatnot when they weren't wasted...lol...oh well, i guess....

more to come later...
mood: amusedamused
    leave some lovin' - - Link
(no subject)  
08:34pm 30/08/2006

Which DISNEY character are you most like?

    leave some lovin' - - Link

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